Didn’t you know you’re not supposed to have any emotions whatsoever? Yeah, you’re supposed to be an unfeeling, passionless robot at all times. Don’t ever let a girl know that you’re…you know, a psychologically balanced human who feels the full range of human emotions. You’re not allowed to be a full human. Sadness, loneliness, fear, regret, jealousy, any insecurity whatsoever: you’re not allowed to have those. Besides anger; the humans have painted that one as “masculine,” so it’s OK, but only sparingly.

And crying? Psh! “Real men” don’t cry! If you dare give any indicator that you’ve ever in your life participated in this completely unnatural, shameful, sacrilegious act, then you might as well just take your “man card” and rip it up into a million pieces. For you, as a guy, to let anyone see you commit the unholy act of crying at ANY point would indicate that you have the psychological capacity beyond that of a teaspoon (thank you, Hermione Granger), and that is NOT something we can have, now is it?

If you ever happen to be unfortunate enough to reach the uncharted territory of something resembling an emotion, it would be much more becoming of you to scream like a maniac and punch a hole in the wall instead. Instill everyone around you with fear of the threat of physical violence in all its masculine glory. That’s what the “real men” do.

Don’t talk a lot either. If you talk a lot, it showcases that you possess a full range of thoughts and feelings that an intellectually and emotionally active human being would have, and that is not cool. You must be “strong and silent” at all times. Eliminate your thoughts, eliminate your feelings. Reduce yourself to base instincts. If you showcase that you have any intellectual or “nerdy” interests at all, you might as well just shoot yourself in the foot. You’re only supposed to represent a very narrow spectrum of embodiment here.

Men are supposed to be very simple creatures; that’s what the old, drunken grandfathers of America tell us. The simpler you are, the more devoid of individuality you are, the manlier you are. A character with complexity is only for the novels, m’boy. Idiosyncrasies are only for the feminine, m’boy. In fact, it’s best that you don’t even know what the word “idiosyncrasy” means. If you know what words like that mean, you’ll wind up looking like a lonely virgin or something.

And don’t you dare put any noticeable effort into your physical appearance whatsoever. Only women are supposed to care about what they look like. On the other hand, you need to look as ruggedly handsome as possible, while simultaneously presenting the illusion that you’ve put absolutely no effort in achieving this effect. Otherwise, you’ll continue looking like a lonely virgin talking about idiosyncrasies your whole life with other losers.

Look. Just paint yourself as someone who cares only about sports and beer, and you’ll blend right in. Chasing a ball around and consuming a specific liquid are the central components of our construction of 21st-century manliness. You will need nothing more. Keep yourself as utterly simplified as possible. Conformity and gross simplicity are as manly as bench pressing and car repair.

They must never know the secret truth: that deep down inside, you’re a psychologically complete human being who thinks and feels it all.

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